My Daughter's World

Taking a shower with my two year old daughter tonight, I had to shave my legs. I go about doing this and the next thing I notice when I look at my daughter is her with her skinny little leg on the edge of the tub, "shaving" her leg with her fingers. I stopped and just took a moment to take it in and smiled at how cute and silly she can be. But than I began to think a little deeper and wonder why she mimics me.

As I stood there watching her for a moment she stopped and looked up at me with her big blue eyes and smiled a huge smile. This smile seemed to say to me, "Mama, look what I can do! I can shave just like you! Aren't you proud of me?". Or something to that effect, or at least that is what I saw in the look she gave me. Of course this is not the first time she has copied something I do. She carries a purse almost everywhere we go and she loves getting her toenails painted, just like me.

So as I began to think of why she does these things, I came to the conclusion that seems so obvious, but still catches me off guard. She looks up to me, I am her number one role model of what a woman/female/girl should be. Of course I've known this, it's not like it just dawned on me. It's just that it's such a huge weight and responsibility and I never sat down and really thought about it until after tonight. For all my faults that I see, she seems to be blind to them and wants to be like me and looks up to me anyways.

Of course this can be a scary prospective and it is a little frighting just how bad I could mess it up if I'm not careful. On the other hand though it absolutely takes my breath away at just how much this little girl loves me. She loves me despite my faults and imperfections and when she looks at me she wants to be like me in spite of them. I can't find the words to explain how this makes me feel, but it makes me feel like I have a purpose I didn't have before. It make me want to be a better person and it makes me feel like I'm important, at least to one person in this world. To that one person I am her world and that is an amazing feeling to know and have. Of course she is just as much my world as well, and I love her just as unconditionally.

Persistant Restlessness

restlessness seems to follow me relentlessly
holding me fast in it's elusive yet viselike grip
a constant companion....it follows me day and night.

I'm bored, restless, in a rut. I seem to fall into this trap I guess you can call it from time to time. I suppose everyone gets a little restless once in a while. But it seems to me lately that something isn't quite as it should be in my life and I have an itch that can't be scratched. In fact I don't even know what CAUSED the itch! Perhaps it is God prodding me along a course He has set out for me. In fact I've begun to think I may not be where I should be, where He want's me. Something is out of place and I can't sit still until I figure it out. I suppose this means that restlessness will continue to plague me until I can put my finger on the missing piece of the puzzle.
On the other hand just putting down the restlessness and how it feels in writing seems to have taken a bit of the edge off my boredom. Perhaps I am just overanalyzing and this rut is caused by nothing more than a need I have to do something new, like this blog, which is certainly something I've never really done before. Being this open and detailed about my thoughts and such is definitely new territory for me.
Yet the restlessness persists....hmmm.

Creativity

For those who don't know me I consider myself a fairly creative person, or at least I used to be. I used to paint, take pictures, draw, write songs and poems, play guitar, create journals, and I even made beaded jewelry at one time. The reason I say "used to" is because for the past 1 1/2 to 2 years I seem to have lost my creative drive or at the very least the time to pursue my creative drive.
The problem with this is that I have always considered my creativity a huge part of my life. Almost like an emotionally cathartic release that is needed. When something is as important to your well being as this seems to be for me, to not have it for so long, not only seems odd, but almost like a part of me is missing. Like I've lost part of who I used to be.
Now being a mom of a two year old it's pretty easy to see where I might not have time to do these things I used to. But it would be so easy to blame it on a full time job outside the home and being a full time mother inside the home. Yet the truth is, if I really wanted to I would find the time to be creative, to pursue my creative outlets, I would make the time. I make time to do other things. Yet time seems to always pass me by. I always say "oh I'll start that tomorrow", or "I'll get out my guitar this weekend.", but it just never happens. To be perfectly honest, when I do have a few moments to myself lately all I want to do is numb my brain and zone out with mindless t.v. or just do something that doesn't require thinking.
So....will I ever be creative again? This blog seems to be a start, but I guess I'll have to wait to see if zoning out has become more important to me than creativity. I would hate to think that part of me is gone forever. There still feels like there is so much more inside me to express. Unfortunately all I can express right now is how exhausted I am. So I'm going to leave this topic open for now.
So, if anyone is reading this, I am curious to hear: How important is a creative outlet to you? Do you think it's important for everyone to have one? Why?